Rolling with the Punches

it is my most sincere desire to write the complete and honest truth about my experiences over seas. i dont want to remember only the good or only the bad... i want to remember the truth, as i saw it. truth is a fluid thing after all...

today, im asking myself to think and reflect. the days are such a blur at times of spanish and sounds. of walking everywhere but tuning out the street. this week especially i felt sad. being sad is not really normal for me. i mean of course i get sad at times, but there was a sort of weight on me that i could not shake all week. it started with a real longing for my friends. it sounds trivial but what i missed more than anything was getting random phone calls from people. i wanted my cell phone to ring and it to be one of my dearest friends telling me nothing important at all. i just wanted to talk with someone to laugh to be connected inspite of all the distance. but alas, this did not happen. a times when i get home there is a kind of drawbridge that raises. i have no internet there so i cant talk on skype to anyone, and i dont have money to buy phone cards so... it feels isolated at times.

the money thing is a big problem right now. im very worried about the cash flow... or lack of cash flow so i cut myself off sometimes too. i just dont have enough money to go out... this is coming from a person whose lunch everyday is a turkey and mustard sandwich and a tomato. im being VERY conservative with the pesos. it really sucks to have such a small friend base and then at times feel like i shouldnt even be going out with them because i cant afford it. by thursday i was just sort of moping around. i decieded after an enormous amount of pressure from my coworkers to go out and have a beer with them. just one beer we all said. i guess i can manage my money enough for one beer. i went trying to muster some kind of excitement, but i was really reaching.

i walked into the bar and found my coworkers, i also saw someone i had not seen in a while, my very good friend astrid. how can you describe someone like astrid... unforggetable is the first word that comes to mind. she is so full of energy and love. a geniune love, a sincere passion for all of the people she knows. i sat down beside her and she looked at me and asked me immediately, "why are you sad?"

she knew right away that something was wrong. i tried to deny it (how do you explain all of that in spanish?) but she pressed me. "you are not acting like yourself." she said. finally, i broke it all down to her, how i missed my friends, i was stressed about money, etc. she looks at me and says so sincerly... "why havent you called me? kimi, you are always welcome. you are a very special girl and we are friends. when you want to see me all you need to do is call. i would love to hang out. you dont need to worry about money... that is what friends are for, we help each other, we buy each others drinks. a friend who gives you something expecting something in return is not a friend at all." astrid was right. i felt so silly and also so welcome. i laughed and talked with the group our one beer turned into many. i felt better and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.

my spanish still frustrates me. i am taking private lessons for the next week which i think my help correct some of the little mistakes i continue to make. other than that i try to push myself to use it correctly and frequently. somedays are better than others, but nothing good ever comes easy. and this is something i truly and completely understand... i feel gratitude for this experience even when the days or weeks are tough.