Sunday, February 17, 2008
7 weeks in one place
this week was kind of hallmark for me. the first time since june that i have been in one location for over 7 weeks. with all the traveling that i have done this year i have not had a steady address or place of recidence in a long time. ive been sleeping on floors, couches, at my parents house, or in a hostel for a ages...and suddenly it struck me just how odd it is that i am finally LIVING somewhere again...not just passing through. 7 weeks in chile. 7 weeks and every day is still different. between a new language, making new friends in a new language, working, studying, etc. i can honestly say that i still love it here. my life- it is remarkable how simple everything is for me here. even very real stresses seem more managable. perhaps im adjusting to a more tropical state of mind, but i find myself very satisfied in south america. i was remarking to coletta, a very extrodinary person that i by chance met on the plane out here, that though i am poorer than i have ever been in my life, i am also happier and more content. i still see so much of this reneweed bliss as something i awakened on my camino- not a single day goes by where i do not rexamine how giving everything up brought me more enternal wealth than i could have ever imagined. i know i would not be living here if i had not taken a walk that became my life. and here i sit at some sweaty internet cafe more alive than i have been in a long time. 7 weeks is normal for most people, a routine, but my 7 weeks they resemble real life but are so very different from what my life has been for so long.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Rolling with the Punches
it is my most sincere desire to write the complete and honest truth about my experiences over seas. i dont want to remember only the good or only the bad... i want to remember the truth, as i saw it. truth is a fluid thing after all...
today, im asking myself to think and reflect. the days are such a blur at times of spanish and sounds. of walking everywhere but tuning out the street. this week especially i felt sad. being sad is not really normal for me. i mean of course i get sad at times, but there was a sort of weight on me that i could not shake all week. it started with a real longing for my friends. it sounds trivial but what i missed more than anything was getting random phone calls from people. i wanted my cell phone to ring and it to be one of my dearest friends telling me nothing important at all. i just wanted to talk with someone to laugh to be connected inspite of all the distance. but alas, this did not happen. a times when i get home there is a kind of drawbridge that raises. i have no internet there so i cant talk on skype to anyone, and i dont have money to buy phone cards so... it feels isolated at times.
the money thing is a big problem right now. im very worried about the cash flow... or lack of cash flow so i cut myself off sometimes too. i just dont have enough money to go out... this is coming from a person whose lunch everyday is a turkey and mustard sandwich and a tomato. im being VERY conservative with the pesos. it really sucks to have such a small friend base and then at times feel like i shouldnt even be going out with them because i cant afford it. by thursday i was just sort of moping around. i decieded after an enormous amount of pressure from my coworkers to go out and have a beer with them. just one beer we all said. i guess i can manage my money enough for one beer. i went trying to muster some kind of excitement, but i was really reaching.
i walked into the bar and found my coworkers, i also saw someone i had not seen in a while, my very good friend astrid. how can you describe someone like astrid... unforggetable is the first word that comes to mind. she is so full of energy and love. a geniune love, a sincere passion for all of the people she knows. i sat down beside her and she looked at me and asked me immediately, "why are you sad?"
she knew right away that something was wrong. i tried to deny it (how do you explain all of that in spanish?) but she pressed me. "you are not acting like yourself." she said. finally, i broke it all down to her, how i missed my friends, i was stressed about money, etc. she looks at me and says so sincerly... "why havent you called me? kimi, you are always welcome. you are a very special girl and we are friends. when you want to see me all you need to do is call. i would love to hang out. you dont need to worry about money... that is what friends are for, we help each other, we buy each others drinks. a friend who gives you something expecting something in return is not a friend at all." astrid was right. i felt so silly and also so welcome. i laughed and talked with the group our one beer turned into many. i felt better and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.
my spanish still frustrates me. i am taking private lessons for the next week which i think my help correct some of the little mistakes i continue to make. other than that i try to push myself to use it correctly and frequently. somedays are better than others, but nothing good ever comes easy. and this is something i truly and completely understand... i feel gratitude for this experience even when the days or weeks are tough.
today, im asking myself to think and reflect. the days are such a blur at times of spanish and sounds. of walking everywhere but tuning out the street. this week especially i felt sad. being sad is not really normal for me. i mean of course i get sad at times, but there was a sort of weight on me that i could not shake all week. it started with a real longing for my friends. it sounds trivial but what i missed more than anything was getting random phone calls from people. i wanted my cell phone to ring and it to be one of my dearest friends telling me nothing important at all. i just wanted to talk with someone to laugh to be connected inspite of all the distance. but alas, this did not happen. a times when i get home there is a kind of drawbridge that raises. i have no internet there so i cant talk on skype to anyone, and i dont have money to buy phone cards so... it feels isolated at times.
the money thing is a big problem right now. im very worried about the cash flow... or lack of cash flow so i cut myself off sometimes too. i just dont have enough money to go out... this is coming from a person whose lunch everyday is a turkey and mustard sandwich and a tomato. im being VERY conservative with the pesos. it really sucks to have such a small friend base and then at times feel like i shouldnt even be going out with them because i cant afford it. by thursday i was just sort of moping around. i decieded after an enormous amount of pressure from my coworkers to go out and have a beer with them. just one beer we all said. i guess i can manage my money enough for one beer. i went trying to muster some kind of excitement, but i was really reaching.
i walked into the bar and found my coworkers, i also saw someone i had not seen in a while, my very good friend astrid. how can you describe someone like astrid... unforggetable is the first word that comes to mind. she is so full of energy and love. a geniune love, a sincere passion for all of the people she knows. i sat down beside her and she looked at me and asked me immediately, "why are you sad?"
she knew right away that something was wrong. i tried to deny it (how do you explain all of that in spanish?) but she pressed me. "you are not acting like yourself." she said. finally, i broke it all down to her, how i missed my friends, i was stressed about money, etc. she looks at me and says so sincerly... "why havent you called me? kimi, you are always welcome. you are a very special girl and we are friends. when you want to see me all you need to do is call. i would love to hang out. you dont need to worry about money... that is what friends are for, we help each other, we buy each others drinks. a friend who gives you something expecting something in return is not a friend at all." astrid was right. i felt so silly and also so welcome. i laughed and talked with the group our one beer turned into many. i felt better and it had nothing to do with the alcohol.
my spanish still frustrates me. i am taking private lessons for the next week which i think my help correct some of the little mistakes i continue to make. other than that i try to push myself to use it correctly and frequently. somedays are better than others, but nothing good ever comes easy. and this is something i truly and completely understand... i feel gratitude for this experience even when the days or weeks are tough.
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